What Do the Most Recent Pictures in Your Phone Say About You?

This’ll be fun. Go to the picture album in your phone and imagine how you would explain the most recent pictures in there. No holds barre. That is what I’m going to do because I’m at work and its slow right now. So let’s take a look into my weird, sad, sometimes funny life. This should be deeply insightful. Right? Wrong…..

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I have two jobs. This is a pretty exciting part of my second part time job I work at night. No, I’m not a janitor. I work at an escape room. You and up to 7 of your closest friends let me lock you in a themed room and you have to solve a series of puzzles, riddles, and locks to escape within 60 minutes. In between each game, I mop. I don’t mind it much. Mopping is actually pretty relaxing. Plus I take solace in the fact that once the mopping is done, another game starts. And then I get to watch another bunch of goofballs try to get out of a locked room via surveillance camera.

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I sat down for 10 minutes in between jobs. Then I became a chair for Stella and Watkins. Then they molested each other. It wasn’t peaceful at all.

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Its been unseasonably warm in Buffalo this winter. Today we hit 61 degrees for the high. Record breaking! The iced over pond in my backyard melted. Now its just a medium sized mud pit. My “children” thought it would be fun to play in it. They played and played and played. And it WAS super fun. Until we turned black from the mud and mommy needed to give us a bath. We HATE baths. Just look at my face. Two inches of water is the most terrifying thing in the world.

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My little cousin is in the US Navy stationed in Hawaii. He is originally from Buffalo, NY and is a DIEHARD Bills fans. He managed to grab free tickets to the ProBowl last Sunday. During halftime he was standing in a concessions line and someone saw him decked out in his gear and was like, “Hey Rex Ryan is sitting in section K!” Of course that’s where my cousin went next, immediately found our head coach, and popped a squat. Seeing as how there was a little free space next to him, he got to spend a pretty cool quarter of football watching our very own Tyrod Taylor throw the ball around. Now THAT, is pretty damn awesome.

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This is Chris. We’re just sorta starting to see each other. He is a Registered Nurse at a local major hospital. He’s also in PA school. We both have extremely busy schedules. So sometimes when we get a chance to see each other, homework is involved. And sometimes if he’s lucky, Stella helps him with his homework. If we keep this routine up, he’ll be a PA in no time.

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Okay, technically this is a recent screenshot. But it still counts. This is an example of what men think are a good idea on Tinder. Maybe he’s trying to be funny. Maybe he legit thinks this is a good idea. I honestly don’t even know anymore. I used to be a pretty good judge of men. Then social media and 2,000 different dating apps happened. Now it nearly impossible to sift through the crazies, the men who are just wanting to get laid, guys who you ACTUALLY have things in common with/good dudes. Its really becoming not even worth it anymore. I’m going to have to start spending a lot more time at groceries stores like all the other single 30 year old ladies.

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My sister was in town last week from Dallas and one night we all went to a pretty cool venue downtown for a roller derby game. The place is pretty cool. Bar/restaurant/mma fighting ring/hockey and curling rinks/roller derby. There is a lot going on there. The derby has matches on Friday nights and tickets are roughly $20. This girl (?) purchased a ticket, sat down in the second row, ate approx 4 slices of concession stand pizza, and never looked up from her Nintendo DS. I had to take a picture because this is what “leveling up” in 2004 looks like.

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I mentioned at the beginning of this nonsense that my night job is at an escape room. One evening I was at work and there was a group of 7 grandmas in the spooky hotel themed room. This is all of them trying to figure out the puzzles and get out. And it was adorable. I love my job everyday I go because of groups like them. Towards the end, a couple of them were more excited to get out of the room so they could make their dinner reservations on time and go drink. Another one was swearing at her friend. Another one was sorta just sitting down on the bed in defeat (probably dreaming of that Manhattan she was about to go get). I wish these ladies would come back to my job everyday.

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My day time job is waitressing at a small upscale breakfast restaurant. One morning the IRL version of the cranky old man came in to eat. It made my day. According to this particular article, I guess you could infer that I think older people are pretty much the best. They are pretty damn cute and they say some really adorable shit.

 

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This is one of my best friends, Carley. She lives in North Carolina now but comes homes to visit often. This could be us tailgating in the line waiting to get into the Bills games or it could just be a regular Sunday. Both look fairly similar. (It was a Bills games) We go hard at Bills games. Actually all of Buffalo goes hard at the games. Its how we survive the winter.

This was  just a small peek into the past couple weeks of my life. Hope you enjoyed at least some of it. God know I only enjoyed some of it.

 

Why Do You Ruin Everything?

And the other things I find myself saying out loud on a daily basis now that I own dogs…..

I’m a dog mom to 2 one-year-old Boston Terrier/French Bulldog mixes. Before they came into my life, I really didn’t like dogs at all. I was a certified cat lady. Now that they are here, I can’t imagine my life without them. That being said, it doesn’t mean I don’t find myself having to say and do some peculiar things because of them.

“Why are you staring at me?” This question is asked multiple times a day because if they aren’t asleep, they are staring at me. They don’t have to potty, they aren’t hungry, they just really enjoy looking at me; and creeping me the hell out. The size of their eyes aren’t doing anyone any favors either.

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“Please stop eating your poop.” Never in my life did I ever think I’d have this phrase in my regular vocabulary. These two dogs can’t get enough of their poop. They act like I don’t feed them. If I missed a bit in the backyard and the snow melts around it, they will find it in under three seconds of being out there. There is no going back at that point. Then all we have to do is wait a couple hours and I’m usually lucky enough to see the poop again. Endless hours of entertainment via laundry and doggy bath-times follow.

“Get your brother’s wiener out of your mouth.” This happens more frequently than it should. Which is never. This should NEVER be a thing that happens. It does.

“Who farted?” It’s always one of them….always. It used to always be me. But now I can blame them. Chances are, it is.

“Can I have some of the couch?” My furniture isn’t mine anymore. They dictate where I sit, where I lay, how much space I get, and how comfortable I am. Their comfort is the only thing that matters. I’m basically just a food dispensary and an extra pillow to them. Its cool, I only wanted these two inches of couch anyway.

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“Can I please take a bath/go to the bathroom by myself? There is absolutely no reason for you to be in here.” But Mom, if we weren’t in here, how would we know what you are doing? Be prepared to never be alone again. Walk to the kitchen for a drink, they think its for them. If I’m cutting something on the cutting board, its DEFINITELY a raw asparagus snack for them….probably. If I walk toward the general direction of the front door, I might be going for a walk without them, so we better follow and check it out. Wouldn’t want to miss something! Forget peaceful, soothing, stress-free bath time. It isn’t going to happen. Cue aforementioned staring….

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No matter how weird and sometimes very annoying my babies can be, they are two of the best things that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. And they wouldn’t trade each other for anything either.

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Dedicated to Stella and Watkins

 

Are You Single On Valentine’s Day Too?

Hey Girl! (Or Guy) It’s not so bad! Here are my top ten reasons being single for another Valentine’s Day is actually pretty awesome…….

  1. Do you REALLY want to wear a dress and heels in the middle of February? If you’re from a city like mine (Buffalo, NY) chances are there will be some sort of snow coverage and freezing temps. So, no thanks. I’d much rather curl up on my couch in my favorite pair of sweatpants and bunker down with a Netflix marathon.

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2) Pink is a terrible color. It doesn’t look good on anyone. You could go the red route but that’s too Christmas-y and we just mentally got over that disaster.

3) Most times everyone is in some sort of relationship limbo. Are we just hooking up? Dating? Exclusively in a relationship? The answer is, who fucking knows. Because of that, how are we even supposed to begin to figure out what to buy someone for Valentine’s Day who may or may not be your BF/GF?

4) I’m still emotionally exhausted from my last relationship. I’m definitely not in the impress him/feel the obligation to put out mode again yet.

5) My DVR is really backing up as it is anyway. There are only so many hours in the day and that shit is gonna start self deleting soon. Better get on it. How will I ever keep an accurate tally of how many times Olivia Pope cries this season if i miss a whole week??

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6) You’re ALWAYS single. So what? Serial dating is a way better option than serial killing. Stick with this plan. You’re doing fine.

7) Conversation hearts are tacky as hell. And they taste even worse. They are basically the holiday emojis of the ’90’s.

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8) Sure you might have to watch (what feels like) every committed couple you know get engaged on Feb 14th and that’s gonna suck. Just remember, when they break up a week/a month/a year later, Valentine’s Day will always bring back awful memories for them. And that’s something you can gloat at. Also, a few days after everyone gets engaged, you can take all the money you DIDN’T spend on an obnoxious ring and flaunt it in their faces.

9) Don’t feel like washing your hair or shaving your legs that day? Don’t! Literally no one will care…..let alone even notice.

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10) Let’s be honest. The first 3-6 months of a relationship is just two people concentrating on holding in a fart anyway. So stay single and let em rip!

So cheers to all you singles are there. I’ll be drinking at home alone with you in solidarity!

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If You See Your Boyfriend On Tinder Again, It Means You’re Single, Right?

Once upon a time, I met a man on Tinder. Yeah I know, I know. Tinder. But we both swiped right and hit it off. Might as well see it through. He was in the process of relocating to WNY from Houston Texas for work. He received some huge promotion with the construction company he’s been with for awhile and even thought the weather is worse here, it was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. He was still in Houston swiping through gals in Buffalo when he came across me. We matched and began talking. Little did I know then that the months to follow would be some of the most mentally and emotionally exhausting. Not painful exactly. Or abusive. It just took a toll. One that wasn’t worth it at all.

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He was so smitten with me off the bat that even though he wasn’t in Buffalo yet, after only two days of chatting online he dropped $500 on a one way plane ticket to come up for a very quick weekend just to meet me. He flew in on a Friday night, rented a car, and got a hotel room for two nights. I spent the weekend showing him my city and his eventual new home. We had a blast. He was charming, nice, attractive, and funny. As fate would have it (or so it seemed at the time), his company called while he was on his mini vacation and informed him that they would need him permanently in Buffalo by the following Wednesday. This was exciting news because up until this point, he wasn’t sure of when the move to Buffalo was actually going to happen. So when he returned to Houston Sunday evening, he would have to pack up his belongings and begin the long drive to NY. We were thrilled.

Then he moved here. He was busy and that was to be expected. He still managed to find the time and be a pretty great boyfriend. One of the reasons aside from money, that he took this promotion was the promise that he’d be traveling less. He was now the Vice President of Construction and Contracts and there wouldn’t be a real need for him to spend so much time away from home base anymore. I’m not sure who promised him that but the traveling started almost immediately. And that’s fine. I’m okay with being alone when need be. I’m pretty independent anyway and do enjoy my personal space. Its not that I need constant hand holding. The real issue was that he’d leave for weeks on end and immediately forget that he had a girlfriend. He went to San Diego once for two weeks and i didn’t get a single call or text message. Not even the courtesy one that most boyfriends send just to let ya know they’re alive. Nope. And this was a pattern, not a one time occurrence by the way.

Turns out, he was a horrible communicator. We went around and around in circles about this issue. It never got better. I should have known. I should have given up then. But I kept at it and I remained faithful and loyal. When he was home, he did try to make the time. We went to dinners, bars, football games, and had casual movie nights at home. Like normal couples. ONCE IN AWHILE.

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Happier times at Buffalo Bills football game.

Things would continue to spiral downhill. Communication got worse. He was always tired. Or gone. I started caring less and less. I worked more. Got booked on some shows. Tried to make stand-up and writing a bigger priority to take my mind off of the emotional roller coaster he wouldn’t let me get off. I kept telling myself it would get better eventually. That he’d settle into a more stable routine and manage to have a better work/life balance.

He finally moved out of his company paid hotel suite and got a house in the suburbs. One step in the right direction towards normalcy. Or so I thought. We were shopping for household items one night after he’d been gone on another long trip and were wandering the isles when I spotted this:

IMG_3835You’d have to ignore the red bits where my fingers were inspecting the area but there is a clear brown bruise in the middle. You can’t tell me that wasn’t a hickey. Here’s the thing. You’re 30 fucking years old dude. You need to chill with that nonsense. Of course I asked about it. Of course he denied it. In his defense a little bit, he did seems genuinely confused and shocked. But in retrospect that could have been due to not remembering or even knowing it was there to begin with. Men aren’t always smart like that.

As if it wasn’t already happening, this was definitely the beginning of the end. There were loose ends that needed to be tied up, but I had checked out mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Just based purely off the way he had started treating me in general, during the times that we did spend together, I usually lost my lady boner for him pretty quick. I’m the type that yes, while physical attraction is very important, so is being satisfied mentally and emotionally. He was no longer doing any of these things for me. We were still talking and hanging out as regularly as possible but the breakup was looming. Mind you, it hadn’t happened yet.

I was out with a girlfriend having drinks one night and she was “playing” Tinder on her phone when my boyfriend popped up in the screen (see header photo above). Welp, I guess the breakup happened.

The lessons of this story are, go with your gut. If it seems wrong, it probably is. Your gut is trying to tell you something. Don’t waste too much time, you’ll never get it back. Don’t let a loser guy consume you. Wait for someone that wants to spend his extra time with you instead of feeling obligated to do so. Don’t stay with someone who is clearly running around with other broads but you just don’t want to see it. And most importantly, if he starts making you cry more than he makes you laugh, RUN. And don’t look back. He’ll never change. I’m trying to not be jaded or bitter. I’m still open to love. But men who act like dogs never change.

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Who Are You Rooting For?

With the SuperBowl quickly approaching, time is running out to pick a side. As a girl from Western New York, I’m a diehard Buffalo Bills fan. Obviously, my team wasn’t even close to participating in the big game. Actually we haven’t been close since 1993. So that means, for one week only, I get to root for another team. If only to make things more interesting.

Now I’ll be honest, with the two teams that are left standing, I’m not sure that I care either way. I really don’t know much about the Carolina Panthers except that Cam Newton dances when they score (don’t they all?) and people are mad at him for it and that he gives the scoring ball to a little kid in the endzone every time. Which I think is pretty nice of him. When I see Cam Newton however, all I want to do is fix his uniform for him. Something doesn’t seem right. He always looks disheveled to me. I think someone needs to start helping him put his clothes on before the games. I realize this has nothing to do with the actual playing of football. He seems like a spectacular quarterback and I wish him luck. As for the rest of the Panthers, I don’t think I could name another one. Cam is the limit of my knowledge on that topic.

**UPDATE: Just found out the guy from the movie The Blindside is on this team. Exciting!

 

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My OCD says that this UnderArmor is ALL wrong

Now onto the Denver Broncos. Again, my knowledge is limited. All I really know is that Peyton Manning is pretty old (for a football player), its proooooobably his last year, and he makes funny commercials. So I kinda hope they win. For his sake. Its always nice to go out on a high note right? And they seem like a nice team. I’ve never heard any controversy about them anyway. Maybe there has been, but I wasn’t paying attention I guess. Let’s also not forget who is waiting in the wings if Peyton DOES retire. Brock Osweiler! Holy crap, have you seen this guy? And I’m not talking about his throwing arm skills. Have you  FullSizeRender (6)

see how he physically looks? He’s like a Greek God for heaven’s sake. 6’8″ and that head of hair? I can’t WAIT till next season.

And yes, I know this isn’t how you pick a team to win the SuperBowl. But if it doesn’t have to do with the Bills, I’m pretty ignorant to the details of the other teams. So I guess my pick to win is going to have to be the Broncos. Peyton gets to win and retire on top and we all get Brock next year. Its a win/win.

To wrap this up let’s just remember one thing. It doesn’t matter who you pick or who wins. We have all already won. Why? Cause NONE of us have to watch cocky Tom Brady and the Patriots in another SuperBowl this year. Sure, they will be back next season probably stronger than ever. But let’s not think about that right now. We get a break this time. And unless you are from the Boston area, a Patriot-less SuperBowl is what truly bonds us as a community.

So enjoy this Sunday. And GO FOOTBALL!

What’s With the Stickers On Your Babies?

Ok, I get it. I really do. You’re a first time parent and its exciting. Maybe that’s not even the case. Maybe you’re a third or fourth time parent. That I “get” a little less. But I digress. But this growing trend of slapping numbered stickers on your babies and forcing me to count along with the months of their birth on social media is getting out of control. Let me be clear, there are A LOT of months involved before parents just finally give in and say that their child is 2. Usually at that point they are still 24 months. What I’m saying is, that’s a lot of counting. And A LOT of pictures to scroll through on my Instagram/Facebook feed.

I don’t want to see your baby that much. Its YOUR baby. By the time the child hits one year, it basically belongs to the internet. Right? We should all get a say in how its raised at that point. If you insist on continuing this behavior, I’m going to start assisting you by signing the kids up for preschools with strange curriculums in your name. Its only fair.

Also, I have two Boston Terrier puppies that I’m REAL excited about too. So, get ready to start counting, parents. If you get to do it, my childless womb gets to do it too.

At least do me one favor, leave it on social media, and call it a day (until next month when we have to celebrate another “birthday”). If you see me in person, don’t shove a picture of your baby in my face. I can guarantee that I am as excited to see a picture of your infant as your infant would be to see a picture of me.

Online Dating People, Why Are You Lying? 

Ok, I get it. Sometimes we all wish we could be something that we’re not. But there is a time and a place to start spewing horrific lies. Like when you’re on the phone with a bill collector that you don’t plan on paying. Or when your mother asks you why you’re still single. That’s when you lie. You don’t lie on online dating. Even if you’re JUST trying to get laid. Do you know why? Because I have eyes. That work. If things progress, I WILL see you eventually. And then my friend, the jig is up. I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve gone on that the person waiting for me at the bar/restaurant/coffee shop wasn’t even remotely close to being the person in the pictures. And not even “that was from 7 years ago and I’ve eaten my weight in doughnuts since then” pictures. Just a completely different person altogether.

What’s your end game here? Maybe nerdy and chubby is my type. Be who you are. But if I swiped right on your shirtless, full head of hair picture, nerdy and chubby probably isn’t my type. So also be realistic. Use your heads, boys. The one attached to your necks. Or it’s highly unlikely you’ll have the need to use the head attached to your dick. Cause when she does show up to that bar/restaurant/coffee shop, she’s probably going to just turn around and walk out. Not because we’re THAT superficial. But mainly because we don’t like being lied to. It’s a terrible way to start.

Don’t be like “25 year old” with a full head of grey hair Roberto. We can SEE you!

Why Don’t You Know What An Egg Is?

I’m a waitress in a small breakfast diner. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in this line of work for quite some time and truly believed that I had seen and heard it all. Or so I thought. It wasn’t until my employment at my current restaurant that I realized, about 85% of you have no idea what a god damn egg is. How? Why?

When taking a customer’s breakfast order sometimes I have to prod them with multiple questions to find out what they REALLY want before submitting their request to the kitchen. Most of these questions I ask are fairly normal and the answers aren’t usually anger-inducing. But this one is the worst: “Oh, you’d like the egg breakfast special. Wonderful. How would you like your eggs?”

Silence. Blank stares. And finally, “What?” “I don’t understand the question.

How do you NOT understand the question? I have the egg AND the technology. We can literally do anything you want to your eggs. Now its your turn to tell me how you prefer to ingest them.

Still nothing.

“Can you give me an example?”

I mean, if I have to. We have scrambled, poached, basted, sunny side up, the list can go on and on….

“Can you do over-easy?”

How is that a question? No, we can scramble the egg but we can’t crack it, fry it, and flip it once. Of course we can! Is this your first time eating out in public? I don’t understand people who have made it this far in life without dying but don’t fully understand their egg options.

Brush up on your basic food items before leaving the house to eat. Remember, your waitress is watching.

Who Am I?

The answer is, who cares? Just another single, 30-something, under-achieving, under-appreciated woman here to complain about life and everything it throws at me. SO PAY
ATTENTION! LISTEN TO ME! I thought about naming this first post, “Say My Name, Bitch” but then I realized that not everyone watches as much hardcore porn as I do so I sadly decided against it. I am here of course to try to verbally connect with a few people rather than alienate them right off the bat. But I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I promise you that. I like to complain, A LOT. I make fun of people and things. I’m judgemental. I’m not an English major so my grammar and spelling won’t always be perfect, but it’ll be close! I go on a ton of bad dates. I have two dogs that eat their own poop and throw it up, sometimes on me. This’ll be fun. Stick around and let’s have some fun.